Monday, March 7, 2011

Life Isn't Fair

Life isn't fair. I just wanted to get that out up front, because today I'm going to offer a bit of advice for those who are just getting started in the adoption process. I think it will really help you stay sane if you can just remember those three words. Life isn't fair.

So, after much prayer and soul-searching and many tears, you have made the decision to try and adopt a baby. Yay! You are in for one of the most wonderful experiences you can even imagine. Also for one of the most frustrating and trying times you will have. Chances are that when you first walked into your adoption agency of choice, you were presented with an overwhelming amount of information and forms, perhaps a list of classes to attend, and -of course- the fee scale. If you are anything like I was, it won't take long for the excitement of the moment to dim as the realization of the sheer volume of work you have in front of you begins to creep in. FBI background checks, matching sheets, home study questions, classes, interviews, home visits, birth mother letters, pictures, questions, questions, questions.... Don't freak out just yet...stay with me.

Here's my advice. Take it one step at a time; one day at a time. Get your FBI background check sent off right away. That way you won't be waiting on it at the end. If you are required to attend some adoption classes, find out when the next session starts and put it on your schedule, then stay in touch with your agency in case any changes creep up. Then, pop some popcorn, snap open a Diet Coke, and...begin. Here's where the "life isn't fair" clause comes in. Because at least once while you are trudging through everything you have to do, you're going to think, "This isn't fair! There are lots of people who are terrible moms and they just have babies left and right! They should have to fill out all these forms! They should have to pass a background check! They should have to have a home study! They should have to answer all these questions!" Well, you're probably right. They should have to do all of that, but the reality is that they don't. We do. It's not fair. It's just not. And that's life.

So, please try not to spend too much time and effort worrying about how unfair this all is. It is unfair. We all know that. But, to quote C.S. Lewis, "Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do." So, cry for a minute about the unfairness of this all, if you need to. Then decide that you are going to do whatever you need to, and answer all the questions that are presented to you, and fill out every single form that is put in front of you. Because in the end, your baby is worth everything you'll put into this, and more! Even if it's not fair.


Jaynann said...

What a great idea for a blog! Even though I'm not adopting, the situation with my health lately and our autistic son has really stretched me to the max. You are so right, once you just accept that life isn't fair and get to work--its still not fair, but its OK!! Thanks for your prayers :)

Bonnie said...

Have you looked at It is a great site.

Judy said...

so very true. I always thought this isn't fair until my very fertile sister said the same thing back to me...she didn't get the 2nd, 3rd, 4th honeymoon with her hubby that has a stamped passport attached to it, the unpuked in suv, and the house with a nursery already. There are trade offs and yes at that moment life wasn't fair but now I have the no more honeymoons, the puked in suv and the messy house! It's ok!