Face to Face Meeting

This is the third post in a series about communicating with birth parents.

You have been communicating through e-mail and maybe over the phone with a specific birth mother, and now it's time for the face to face meeting.  This is a tremendous opportunity for all of you, and something that is really worth looking forward to.  There are many different ways that a face-to-face meeting can take place today.  The social worker may or may not be present.  It might be at the adoption agency, or it might be at a restaurant or other public place.

I know from personal experience how nervous you get walking in to meet the birth parent(s) that might place their baby with you, and lots of birth moms have told me that they are equally nervous to meet an adoptive couple.  We all worry about whether we will be liked, or whether the other side will change their minds after meeting us.  Here's the best advice I can offer to adoptive parents with a few B's.  (There is another list of B's from a great man that I try to live by, but that's a story for another day.) 

• Be Honest
• Be Open
• Be Yourself
• Be United
• Be sure to let the birth parent(s) talk!
• Be certain you bring a camera!

In an adoption triad, openness=honesty and vice versa.  Don't try to hide things about yourself, people can usually tell when you're not being honest, and that doesn't help them trust you.

Don't try to be someone you're not.  You need to be a good match for each other based on who you really are, not who you think they want you to be.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, many of these ideas come from a terrific social worker named Kevin Theriot.  Where I say 'be united', he said, "Please don't argue with your spouse at the face to face meeting!"  We all chuckled, but he told us that he has been floored by how often potential adoptive couples argue over little things in front of the birth parent(s) at this first meeting.  Don't argue over what baby names you like, or whether or not you had agreed to adopt a child whose birth father used drugs, or whether or not to order dessert.  (:  Have all of the important discussions before you go in to the meeting, and leave the not so important ones for another time.

Ask the birth parent(s) and their mothers if they're present, questions about themselves.  Answer the questions they ask you, but let them do most of the talking.  It has been shown that the more someone talks to you, the closer they feel to you.  Don't interrupt or cut them off.  Let a birth mother talk all she wants.  If she's hesitant to talk, that's where you ask questions that don't just have a yes or no answer. 

I wish we would've brought a camera to the first face-to-face meeting with our daughter's birth mom.  I know it seems like a no-brainer, but in the stress of trying to get there (especially if you're going out of town) you might forget.  Thankfully, we have lots of wonderful pictures from the placement, and ongoing communication with lots of pictures now, but it would've been fun to have some pictures from that first day we met.

So, when you go in for a face-to-face meeting, follow these be's, as well as one more.  Be sure to follow your heart.  It will be an amazing experience.

Adoptive Parent Screening Questions

Continuing on from the previous post....

Once you've been contacted by potential birth parents and received confirmation from them that there are no "deal-breaker" issues, it's wise to ask some screening questions to be sure everything is legit and that you would be a good match for each other.  Remember to be sensitive and tactful when you ask these questions:

• Are you involved with an agency / case worker?  What is the phone number where they can be reached?
• If they are not involved with a case worker or agency that you can call to verify their identity, I would suggest asking for something concrete to verify a pregnancy i.e. an ultrasound picture with the birth moms name on it.  Don't freak out over this and don't be too pushy, but it is in everybody's best interest that you know there is an actual pregnancy going on.
• What should I know about the baby?  (If you haven't already covered this in the initial e-mail.)
• Gender, ethnicity, possible physical challenges, etc.
• What should we know about you?
• Degree of openness you are comfortable with
• Level of prenatal care
• Your physical health
• Drug/alcohol use
• How many other families are you e-mailing?
• Just so you know what stage of the game they're at.  If they e-mailed 10 families, they're just getting started.  If they e-mailed 2, they're getting serious about making a decision.
• Is there any legal risk in this adoption?  (for example, the birth father is contesting it)
• Almost every adoption has some degree of legal risk.  On a personal note, the adoptions of both of my two older children had some legal risk.  With our daughter, it turned into a drawn out battle with the birth father that took 18 months to resolve.  (Actually, once it finally made it to court, the judge threw it out and we were able to finalize, but it took that long to actually get to court.)  With our son, the legal risk ended up NOT materializing into a problem, and there were no issues at all.

Once you all have your initial questions answered and have discovered that you could be a good match, it's time to move forward to a face to face meeting.  That will be covered in the next post....

Communicating With Potential Birth Parents

So, I thought I'd share some great information that I learned at the National Families Supporting Adoption Conference about communicating with birth parents.  Kevin Theriot is an amazing social worker and was the presenter for this workshop.  Most of this information came from him, but I'm telling it in my own way.  There is a lot of information that I wish someone would've told me when we first adopted our daughter almost ten years ago.

I'm going to split it into several posts...otherwise it's just too long!  Today we'll start at the beginning.  It is, after all, a very good place to start.  (:

You are ready to adopt a baby.  You're either working on a home study, or have it completed.  You are spreading the word about your desire to adopt, and you've set up an e-mail address designated to receive communications from potential birth parents.  You log on one day, and discover an e-mail from a birth mom.  You're ecstatic!  Overjoyed!  Exuberant!

Before you get too carried away, there are a few things you should do (or not do).  The first thing is actually a 'not do'.  Do NOT assume that the birth parents have any information about your preferences for adopting.  If you have any 'deal-breakers' (level of drug/alcohol abuse, specific gender, ethnic background, etc.) then you need to tactfully ASK about those things right up front.  It's just mean to pursue a relationship and then have to tell the birth mom later on that you're not interested because you found out about one of these deal-breaker issues.  Remember to be sensitive, but don't be afraid to ASK!

The next thing is to BE HONEST!  The birth parents will probably have asked you some questions.  Answer them openly and honestly, whether you think it's what they want to hear or not.

So, reply to that first e-mail and then wait patiently to hear back.  If you do hear back, you should ask some screening questions to make sure that they are legitimate birth parents.  It's rare, but unfortunately there are a few misguided people out there who try to scam hopeful adoptive couples.  And those questions....will be covered in my next post.

Until then, Happy Adoption Awareness Month!

Final Cover Art

I'm SO excited to post the FINAL cover art for my novel, due out on February 8!  Many thanks to Angela Olsen at Cedar Fort for her beautiful work!  And since this book is all about infertility and adoption....it's a perfect fit for national adoption month!  Check out the Delivering Hope tab on my blog for more info, or go to Amazon.com where you can pre-order your very own copy!

So .... pause for effect.....
(Yes, I borrowed that from Despicable Me.  One of the funniest shows ever!)
Here it is:

National Adoption Month

I know, I know, it's been a while since I've posted.  But, in my defense, I have been busily working on a sequel to my novel Delivering Hope.  (:  The sequel is buzzing along and I'm having fun uncovering 'the rest of the story' for the characters that I created and love.  But, I couldn't let National Adoption Month pass without resuming my blogging.

Check back throughout the month to read more about my adoption experiences...both the successful and the failed ones (and what I learned from them), as well as some tips about communicating with birth parents (these will mostly come from a wonderful social worker named Kevin Theriot whose workshop I attended at the National Families Supporting Adoption Conference) and any other fun or hopeful things I come up with.

Have a wonderful day and check back soon!

Flower Power Mom

Thanks to Sylvia for reading and responding to my post, "Anyone Who Wants To Be A Parent Can Be?"  It looks like they have a great program set up to educate and help women over 40 who are trying to become mothers.  Check it out!

FlowerPowerMom.com—The Truth About Motherhood After 40 (http://flowerpowermom.com/), features real mom stories, expert advice and the first online community to empower all women on the journey of motherhood after 40. A Child After 40 online offers support and free “Ask Our Expert” educational forums on midlife motherhood—from fertility, ART, pregnancy, birth or adoption, to parenting after 40.

Delivery

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this video!  I've always loved this song!  It all speaks for itself.  Enjoy!

Anyone Who Wants To Be A Parent, Can Be?

During some of my online reading and research, this news story caught my attention.  Although I have lived in Idaho for the past year, my life up until then was spent in Utah.  Maybe that's why it hit close to home.

The current Mrs. Utah is a woman who has struggled with infertility and multiple miscarriages.  She has been able to give birth to two healthy children and has plans to continue fertility treatments to grow her family.  Part of her platform as Mrs. Utah is to educate the public about infertility, which I love.  She talks about her involvement with the Utah Fertility Center and how they are putting on seminars together to educate the public.

The part that rubs me the wrong way is at the end of the article where she says that "anyone who wants to be a parent can be".  There was no discussion at all about adoption or what happens if your health issues make it impossible to become pregnant, only about pursuing fertility treatments.  The fact remains that there are some people who will never get pregnant, no matter how hard they try.  And what about adoption?  Adoption has been an amazing way of having many, many, many children join their forever families.  Why not at least mention it as an option?

However, if you feel that adoption is not right for you, or if you are trying to adopt and haven't been successful, there are many cases where no matter how badly you want to be a parent, you aren't.  So, while I'm glad that Mrs. Utah is trying to bring awareness to infertility, I feel like her statement was wrong and possibly hurtful.  What do you think?

I Am Not My Body

I found this video about an amazing woman that I wanted to share with you.  Although she is not struggling with infertility, she is dealing with a severe trial of her own, and I felt her story resonate with me.  I love the part where she says, "I am not my body."

All too often, we allow our physical appearance or limitations to define who we are.  When I was struggling through infertility, that infiltrated every part of me.  I believed I wasn't as good as women who could get pregnant.  That there was something intrinsically wrong with me that had caused this.

The logical part of my brain told me that this wasn't true, but it took a lot of time and healing for my heart and mind to believe it.  That's one of the reasons I love this video.  She has learned something that is definitely worth sharing:  I Am Not My Body.

She also talks about her new feelings about motherhood.  Again, my heart was touched.  I have often told people that I don't think I love my children any more than any other mother, but I do think that I appreciate them more because of the long and painful journey it took to get them here.

The video closes with one of my favorite scriptures, that I have written about before.  What a great story about someone who is choosing happiness in the face of living a life that she never planned on.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?f​eature=player_detailpage&v=KHD​vxPjsm8E

Make Your Decision, And Then Make It Work

Grandpa taught me to make a decision, and then make it work.  About two years ago, my sister (who also has infertility issues) and her husband were considering adopting a sibling group of 4 children from foster care.  They had 2 children already, an eleven-year-old daughter she had given birth to, and a seven-year-old son who they adopted as an infant.  This sibling group consisted of a twelve-year-old girl, and three boys ages five, three, and two.

After much prayer and soul-searching, they felt like they were going to adopt them, but my sister called Grandpa to talk to him about it first.  He told her, "Well, it sounds like you have done everything you need to to make a good decision about this.  The best advice that I can give you is that once you make your decision, that is the end of it.  Then just get busy making it work."  They did adopt these four children and they are busy making their wonderful family work.

Not only is this great advice for adoption, it's great advice for life.  Now, I know as well as anybody, that our best laid plans are not always successful - no matter how hard we try to make them work.  But, when that happens, I believe that - although it is difficult - we can make the choice to move forward and seek healing and happiness anyway.  And once we make that choice, then we just need to get busy making it work.

Thanks, Grandpa, for these (and so many other) lessons that you have taught me.  Thank you for the life you have lived and the example you are to all those around you.  Thank you for your love and the legacy you have built.  A legacy that has nothing to do with earthly riches, and everything to do with serving, loving, working, and living.

Enjoy The Journey

Grandpa taught me to enjoy the journey.  According to my dad, Grandpa used to say something to the effect of, "I'm never lost.  I might be on a road I've never traveled before, but I'm never lost.  I'm just enjoying new scenery."  Grandpa's life is a perfect example of enjoying the journey.  Whether it has been traveling roads all over the United States, England, or Australia, or simply traveling along in the journey of life, Grandpa never takes a minute for granted. 

To this day, when he drives around with my dad, Grandpa has one rule.  If it's a road Grandpa hasn't been on before, Dad has to make sure he's awake to see it.  If there's a new baby in the family, Grandpa wants to hold him or her.  If there's a hug to give, Grandpa gives it.  If there's a moment to be enjoyed, Grandpa savors it.

Through all of the ups and downs in life, Grandpa has always found a way to enjoy the journey.

When Life is Hard, Keep Going

Grandpa taught me that when life is hard (and sometimes it will be) you just have to keep going.  When you live to be 102, (or 32 for that matter) you are going to face some hard times in life.  My grandpa was 20 years old when the United States plunged into The Great Depression.  He lived through it.  He has been a farmer, a rancher, a truck driver, and the owner of a small dairy freeze drive-in.  During his lifetime, he has lost his job, lost his farm, and lost children and grandchildren to death.  His dear wife of 50 years died about 22 years ago.  He has watched his children and grandchildren suffer from sickness, injury, disease, sadness, and heartache.  He has suffered from injury and illness himself.

Through all of this, I have never heard or seen Grandpa complain.  Don't get me wrong, I have watched him grieve.  I have watched him pray.  I have seen him correct.  I have heard him comfort.  But always, ALWAYS, I have watched him move forward with faith and love. 

It Is Important to Serve

Grandpa taught me that it is important to serve God.  When I was a little girl, my grandparents went on two separate missions.  One to Seattle, Washington and one to London, England.  While they were gone, they missed the things going on at home ... births, baptisms, holidays, birthdays ... and I missed them!

I missed walking next door to their house and playing with the box of wooden blocks on their living room floor.  I missed Grandpa handing me a lollipop, or Grandma slipping me a cookie from the strawberry cookie jar.  I missed Grandma singing and Grandpa's hugs.

I knew they missed me too, but I also knew the reason they were gone.  They went on those missions because they understood the importance of serving.  They knew that we need to love and serve our brothers and sisters here on this earth.  And they knew that as we serve each other, we are truly serving God.

It's Good to Laugh

In continuing with the things my Grandpa Huntsman has taught me....

Grandpa taught me that it's good to laugh.  I love listening to my grandpa laugh.  He's got this great laugh that starts as a breathy chuckle that grows into a belly laugh and continues building until he's laughing so hard that no sound is coming out.  He's just wheezing with a big grin on his face.  He laughs so hard that, as you watch him, you can't help but wonder if he's going to keep breathing.

My grandpa is always on the lookout for something that will make him so happy he can laugh right out loud.  That's how I want to be.

What My Grandpa Taught Me

So, it's been a crazy busy summer for me, as I'm sure it has been for many of you.  One of the recent activities was a week long camping trip in southern Utah, which included a family reunion and birthday celebration for my Grandpa Huntsman.  He's going to be 102 in September.  Yep.  You read that right.  102.  I grew up living next door to my Grandpa and Grandma, and although Grandma passed away when I was young, they both taught me many things.

So, in tribute to my grandpa, and in the spirit of finding hopeful things that make me smile, for the next couple weeks, I'm going to post about things my grandpa has taught me.  Please feel free to leave comments about what your grandparents have taught you.  I'd love to hear them!

Grandpa taught me that it's okay to cry.  I remember Grandma Huntsman singing "The Moon Shines Tonight on Pretty Redwing" with tears rolling down her cheeks.  I remember Grandpa listening to me and my daughter sing that song at a Christmas Eve party a few years ago (nearly 20 years after Grandma's passing).  He also had tears rolling down his cheeks.  Grandma had cried for Redwing.  Grandpa cried for Grandma, and he was not embarrassed or ashamed.  I will never forget that.

Only God Can Do That

For my neighborhood book club this month, we read The Silence of God by Gale Sears.  I enjoyed the historical aspect of this novel (it's based on the lives of the only LDS family in St. Petersburg at the time of the Bolshevik Revolution), but the thing I want to talk about is the Christian side.  At one point the father of this family explains to their neighbor (who also happens to be the very best friend of his daughter) that no person - not even Marx or Lenin - knows how to change man from a selfish, self-centered being into a hard-working person who helps those around him.  That kind of change can not come from outside sources; it comes from a change of heart, and "only God can do that".

This really struck a chord with me!  It's so true!  And not only as it relates to this specific situation.  No matter what trial we are going through, no matter what heartache we are facing, no matter which character flaw we are striving to overcome, no matter the type of pain that we are trying to heal from....none of the help and change we need comes from outside sources.  It must be a change of heart, and in order to have that, we need to allow a Higher Power into our lives in whatever form we believe.

For me, that Higher Power is a loving Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  So, I daily do the simple things that bring me closer to them...things like praying, reading scriptures, serving others, enjoying the miracle of a flower blooming, watching the birds hop around the grass in my back yard, pausing to watch the sunset...anything that elevates my thoughts and feelings.

So, whether you are trudging through infertility, or trying to find healing after placing a baby, or watching a loved one go through one of these experiences...please know that peace can come, but my experience has been that "only God can do that!"

Monday's Infertility Myth

Monday's Myth:  If you had more faith, you would get pregnant.

Unfortunately, this is a myth that gets passed around, even (at times) from well-meaning religious leaders.  All it takes is one glimpse around a hospital maternity ward, or a playground, or a kindergarten classroom, or just about anywhere else before you realize that babies are not handed out based on faith or religious ideals.  That's simply not the way our mortal world works.

It is easy to combat this myth logically, but believe me, I know that it is harder to bust it emotionally.  I often tossed this myth around in my mind because I thought that if I just prayed harder or believed more firmly, my body would miraculously be cured and a baby would result.  Since that didn't happen, it must be my fault, right?  Wrong!

Maybe you're tired of hearing me say that I don't have all the answers, but the truth is that I don't.  I don't understand why conceiving and bearing children comes so easily to some and is so much more difficult and heartwrenching for others, but I have gained the understanding that it has nothing to do with the quantity or quality of faith.  It might be genetics, it might be environment, it might be illness, it might be chance, it might be an all-encompassing plan that God has, or it might be a little of each.

Whatever the reason you are struggling, please don't give up your faith - but don't berate yourself for your lack of faith either.  Just keep doing the best you can one day at a time.  I believe that's all God really asks of you, anyway.

Healing!!!

On Monday, I promised to follow up with something that I believe can put each one of us on the path to real healing.  Since today is officially Wednesday's Words, I'll quote a wise man, and you see if you can pick out what leads to healing.

"If ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage."

Can you find the concrete piece of advice?  The thing that can help lead us out of the bondage of pain and anger?  Service!  Now, I know that it says we should serve the Lord, but to quote another wise man, "When ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God."

Sound too simple?  Let me give you a very honest example from my own life.  After my husband and I had adopted first our daughter, and then our son, and even after our youngest son (who I conceived thanks to five years of fertility treatments) came home from the hospital after 8 1/2 weeks in the NICU, and after I had slowly recovered from the after effects of toxemia and a mini-stroke which led to our youngest being born via emergency c-section nearly 3 months early, I still had a very hard time whenever someone announced a pregnancy.

I had a hard time when women complained about the discomfort of their last trimester, when all I had wanted was for my baby to be big enough that my husband could feel him move inside of me.  I still got angry when people wished their pregnancy would hurry and be over, and it hurt my heart to watch mothers leave the hospital the day after giving birth with their perfect, newborn baby.

One night as I was praying about how to move past these feelings, I had an idea.  At the time, there were a dozen or so women that I was acquainted with, who were pregnant.  The idea came to me that I should make a receiving blanket and burp rags for each one of these ladies as their baby was born.  I dismissed the idea.  I didn't want to even acknowledge that they were pregnant, let alone make a gift for them.

However, the idea would not leave me alone, so I went to Wal-Mart and bought a bunch of material and went to work.  The first few that I made, I cried most of the time making them, and cried even harder after I delivered the gift.  It was hard for me.  But, I felt compelled to continue with what I had started. 

As the weeks and months went by, it started getting easier to make and present my gifts, and before long I found that I was enjoying it.  My stomach no longer twisted into knots when a pregnancy was announced.  My heart stopped aching when I saw a woman with a 38-week belly.  I even found that I started feeling some sympathy for the women who were sweating through a third trimester summer.

To this day, I love to provide service to women who have just had a baby.  Whether it's throwing a baby shower, tying a quilt, sewing a receiving blanket, or taking dinner to them, it makes me happy when I serve.  The heart-wrenching bondage is over.  Healing has come.  But not because I pampered and treated myself.  Because I reached outside of myself and tried to help someone else.

Healing?

Monday's Myth:  The more I do for myself, the better I'll feel about my infertility.

I had a hard time deciding exactly how to word this myth, but I think you get the gist of what I'm saying.  We've all tried this; doing something special for ourselves when we are feeling bad about not getting pregnant or when we find out someone else is pregnant.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I think it's okay and good and healthy to pamper yourself once in a while and even more important to take time doing things you enjoy.  Writing is one of these for me, and so is a monthly book club with friends, and an occassional girls' night out, and going to the salon to get my hair done.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with any of it.

The problem starts when we begin believing that we can heal our own pain by focusing more time and attention on our own self.  Let me just share.  This doesn't work.  We might momentarily push the hurt to the back burner, but absorbing ourself in "me, me, me" will never make the pain go away.  It just won't.

Don't despair, there actually is a way for true and real healing to take place.  There is something that can put us firmly on the path of recovery.  And that is ...... something I will share with you on Wednesday.  Stay tuned!

Cover Art

So, my first official Wednesday's Words will be me gushing about my novel Delivering Hope that will be released in February 2012.  (:

Well, not about the novel, exactly...

More about the amazing graphic designers working at Cedar Fort!  I got the preliminary cover art for my book and it is beautiful!

I'm so excited to share it with everyone, but I'll have to wait until the final artwork is finished.  When it is, rest assured that you'll be the first to get an official sneak peek!  I can't wait!!

Just Because It's Your Secret, Doesn't Mean It's True

Monday Myth:  I did something that caused my infertility.

Unfortunately, I think this is a myth that we often carry around in the deep recesses of our hearts and minds.  It's not something that we talk about or share with anyone, not even our spouse or other loved ones.  Because it's our own little secret, we continue to harbor it and build it into a complicated and convincing truth.

The reality is that this myth is simply NOT true!  Past mistakes (real or perceived) are not punished through infertility.  IF is NOT punishment for mistakes we made in the pre-existence, nor did we cause it by our actions here on earth.

I think it's only natural to ask the "why me" question, and I don't pretend to have all the answers.  I do know that this is a mortal world and each of us agreed to enter mortality and face the trials, heartaches, and unfairness that is an inherent part of an imperfect world.

Let's not make it harder than it needs to be.  Pull this dusty old myth out of the mothballs of your mind and expose it for what it really is:  a lie meant to drag us down.  And remember the words of Galinda to her new friend Elphaba in the musical Wicked:  "Just because it's your secret, doesn't mean it's true!" 

Conflict

Since I love reading, writing, and the power that the written word can bring into each of our lives, I will be starting Wednesday's Words.  This might be a post about a book, or my thoughts on a quote I've come across or maybe something about my book or what I'm currently working on.  Now, I am aware that today is actually Friday, not Wednesday, but I'll give you a sneak peek into Wednesday's Words today.

I just finished a really fun book called Diary of a Fairy Godmother by Esme Raji Codell.  At the very end, after dealing with much conflict and growth of her own, a young witch (turned Fairy Godmother) gives her new cousin a gift:

"Conflict," I whispered into his ear.  "In small doses."
After all, it builds character.
And I can't imagine a better thing to have.

That resonated with me.  One of the biggest conflicts I have had in my life was the struggle to bring children into my family.  The heartache, the tears, the "punch to the gut" moments when all I could do was wrap my arms around my chest to try and hold everything together.

This conflict branched out into many other private battles that were fought within the confines of my mind:  the frustration towards well-meaning people who said all the wrong things, jealousy of the pregnant women I passed at church, anger at Heavenly Father for witholding the blessing of children from me, sadness because of the ache in my heart and in my empty arms.

I can also say that some of the biggest times of growth I have ever experienced came as I worked to resolve these conflicts; the biggest of all as I learned to turn these feelings over to the Savior and let Him help me carry them, until the day came when I could finally set them down.

I didn't want to hear it at the time, but this conflict really did build my character and changed who I am and the way I view the world.  It has made me a better person.  And isn't that what this life is all about?
 

Coming Soon...

Wow, what a crazy spring we're having!  I have been sick more in the last month than in the last two years combined!!!  But, I'm starting to feel better, and am getting ready to refine my blog and get a blogging schedule in place.  Thanks to everyone who is following and bearing with me while I'm learning.  It is lots of fun for me! (:

So, this past weekend, I had the chance to attend the LDStorymakers Conference in Salt Lake City.  What a great event!  I attended a lot of workshops on social media, and learned how much I didn't know!  It was also great to meet some fellow writers from all over the Western United States and even Hawaii.  SO much fun!  I was smiling all weekend.  If you love to write, I'd highly recommend this conference (but now, you'll have to wait until next year)!

So, stay tuned for my upcoming blog schedule.  One of the items I'm going to start is Monday's Myth where I talk about an infertility or adoption myth.  There are so many of them out there!  If any of you have one of these myths that you would like to see "busted" on the blog, just leave a comment and let me know!

Have a wonderful day and check back soon!

Never Alone

I can't believe it's been over a week since I posted!  We've been dealing with spring colds and I haven't been feeling terrific.  I think we're on the downhill slide, though.  Yay!

I have had some interesting conversations and experiences this week that really got my mental gears cranking.  As I have pondered over the many, many heartaches and pains and unexpected circumstances that we have to face in this life, I've been wondering.  How do any of us make it?  How did I make it through when my heart was breaking over the fact that I couldn't have a baby?  How did I survive the craziness and the roller coaster of emotions as we struggled through fertility treatments and the ups and downs of trying to adopt?  How did I come through watching my tiny son literally struggle for life for 8 1/2 weeks while trying to maintain a "normal" life at home for my two older children?  How did I make it when my barely 4-year-old daughter suffered a serious break to her leg and was in a cast from her hip to her toes and was on strict instructions to not walk or even try to stand for 6 weeks, while I had two baby boys under a year old and a husband who was often out of town on business?  Feel free to insert your own questions in here.  I know that some of you have struggled through similar situations and some of you have faced so much worse.  So, how do we keep going?

I'm going to venture an answer.  We make it because we are not alone.  We are never alone.  One of my favorite verses of scripture (which I have hanging above my piano in our living room) is "I will go before your face...I will be on your right hand and on your left..my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you...to bear you up."  Doctrine and Covenants 84:88  Not only do we have the power and comfort of Christ's love, we have angels around us, bearing us up.  I have come to believe in this verse in a very literal manner.  We all have ancestors and loved ones who have gone on before, and I believe that they can and do help and support and even "carry" us when the situations we face seem beyond our ability to bear.  Sometimes we might feel and appreciate their presence in the very midst of our trials, and other times we might feel alone; not recognizing the help and comfort we received until we can look back on the experience with the perspective that comes with time. 

So, when you find yourself (as we all will at some point or other) struggling just to keep your head above water.  Don't despair.  Try to find a glimmer of hope in the knowledge that there are angels by your side.  They can't necessarily pull you out of the water, but they won't let you drown.

The Little Things

Before I start, I want to say a big 'thank you' to everyone who has become a Follower of my blog.  Please keep sharing with your friends, and if you haven't already clicked the Follow button, please do!  It is really helpful to me as I am beginning to work with my publisher, Cedar Fort, on marketing for my book, Delivering Hope (which will now be released in February 2012 - we're all hoping this is the last change).  They want me to get as many followers as possible...my initial goal is a minimum of 200.  So, every follower helps!  Thanks for your support!

So, I just finished loading my dishwasher for the first time in two weeks.  It's been having some electrical problems (where's my father-in-law when I really need him?  Oh yeah, 10 hours away) and I've had the handyman out 3 times trying to fix it with some part or other.  He finally found the root of the problem today (a faulty wire running from the disposal to the dishwasher) and got it repaired.  Yay!  Now, I know that a dishwasher isn't a necessity.  We didn't have one growing up until I was around 11, and the first 3 places that my husband and I lived after we were married did not have dishwashers and we survived just fine.  That being said, I'm not ashamed to admit that over the last 9 years or so, I've gotten very accustomed to tossing everything into the 'magical' washer next to my sink and letting it do the dirty work.

But, for the past two weeks, I've been rolling up my sleeves (literally) and diving in with both hands.  My children have been fairly helpful with this new chore...sometimes they've been more 'help' than I really need because when they get finished, the entire counter, window, and floor are covered in hot sudsy water.  Oh well, it's kept everything nice and clean, and it hasn't really been that bad, thanks to paper plates.  Anyway, being without this little luxury for a few weeks has really made me appreciate all of the little things that I take for granted that make my life just that much easier.  Dishwasher, washing machine, furnace that I don't have to haul wood in for, water heater, running water, a dvd player that's built right into my trailblazer, redbox...you get the idea.

So, in a world where nothing goes the way we plan, and all too often we find ourselves frustrated over the small (and sometimes very large) roadblocks that we encounter, today I'm reserving a smile for my dishwasher.  I'm glad you're back!

It Really Is

I'm writing this post in honor of a poem that is in the April 2011 Ensign magazine called "Just The Same".  If you haven't read it yet, check it out.  It's on page 30.  If you don't subscribe to the magazine, you can find it on http://www.ensign.lds.org/ but you'll have to wait until April.  I read this poem and loved it because it expressed very simply and eloquently the answer to a question that I get asked from time to time.

For those of you who don't know me, my husband and I have three children.  When we had been trying to get pregnant for a little over a year with no success, we had a very strong impression that we should try to adopt, as well as continue working on fertility treatments.  So, we moved forward on both fronts.  Over the years, we adopted our daughter, and then our son, as well as becoming pregnant (after five years of fertility treatments).  I won't go into all the details today, but it was not a regular, healthy pregnancy, and our youngest son was born via emergency c-section about 3 months early.  That's a story for another day...this is just the long way of telling you that two of our children joined our family through adoption, and one is our biological child.  This brings me back to the question I have been asked, and the beautiful answer in the poem I mentioned.

"Do you love your 'own' child more than your others?"  Okay, first, I always mentally cringe and try to be pleasant as I say, "Well, I have three of my 'own' children.  But if you're asking if I love my biological son more than my two children who we adopted, the answer is no.  Absolutely not.  I love and cherish all three of my children."  This is where they peer closely into my eyes and probe further, "Of course you love them all, but it's different, right?"  I return their gaze and reply, "It's not different.  My love for all of them is the same.  It really is."  At this point, if it's a random stranger in the supermarket (you'd be surprised how often that actually happens since two of my children are of a different ethnicity than I am) I just smile and turn away.  No need to get into it further.  If it's someone I care about I might continue on and point out that love isn't about biology.  Love is about serving and sacrificing and cuddling and wiping tears and midnight feedings and nights of colic and laughing and holding and changing diapers and cleaning messes and fretting over fevers and wiping runny noses and swinging at the park and washing dishes and bedtime stories and lullabies and a million and one other little moments that make up life.  Love is love.  It's just the same.

And that's why I want everyone to read "Just the Same" by Diana Lynn Lacey.  Because it really is.  

Spring is Here!

The robins are out in force around my house.  Now, that might have something to do with the fact that it has been raining off and on for 10 days and there are more big, juicy worms lying on the sidewalks than the birds can even find time to eat.  But, I'm choosing to ignore that fact, and focus on the fact that the robins are here, which in my mind means one thing.  Spring!  Granted, our first winter in Boise was not all that terrible.  It snows now and then, but then the sun comes out and melts it all.  It's cold, but not so foggy that you can't see 10 feet in front of you.  My kids did get a snow day, although they were slightly disappointed to discover only about 8 inches of the white stuff in the front yard.  (They have lived in Utah up until now, after all.  They were expecting feet of snow if the schools were closed.)  Even so, I always love when the winter starts fading and we realize that spring is just around the corner.  It kind of feels like a new beginning; a clean slate.  It is actually easier for me to make "resolutions" as spring time is blossoming than in January when we're in the thick of winter.  There is so much new life around that it helps me believe that there are things in my life that can be new also.  I can forgive someone who has hurt me.  I can forgive myself for the mistakes I have made.  I can wake up every morning and make the choice to have a positive attitude and look for the good around me.  I can believe that Jesus Christ loves and cares about me, even (and especially) during hard times.  I can love someone a little more.  I can judge someone a little less.  I can stop for a moment and watch the robins out my window.  You get the idea.
So, Happy Spring!  Take some time to enjoy the new season of the year, and look for one way to make a part of your life new as well.  Oh, and watch out for all those worms on the sidewalk.  If you squish some as you back out of the driveway, the children in your life (whether your own or the neighbors') will never let you hear the end of it! 

I Dreamed A Dream

Okay, I know I promised only one Les Mis blog, but I can't resist just one more.  You see, after I watched the concert, I went straight to Amazon.com and ordered the DVD.  My kids have been watching it non-stop!  My two five-year-old boys love it!  This morning they were having a discussion about Jean Valjean.  How many five-year-olds are interested in Jean Valjean?  But, they love it and it makes me smile.  In fact, they are watching it right now.  Anyway, these great songs have been in my mind all week, and I decided that I couldn't overlook one of my all-time favorites.
"I Dreamed A Dream" is sung by Fantine after she has unfairly lost her job and she is desperate for a way to earn money to send to the innkeepers who are looking after her daughter.  "I dreamed a dream in days gone by, when hope was high and life worth living ..."  She goes on to talk about how it all went wrong.  Nothing went as she had dreamed and her hopes had all been torn apart.  In the end she laments, "Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."
This is a song I can relate to.  Maybe you can too.  While I was growing up, I had a dream.  That dream was to get married to a wonderful man who would love me and take care of me.  After our marriage, we would want to begin having children.  I would get pregnant and figure out some cute and clever way of telling my husband the big news.  As the baby grew and began moving around, my husband would lay his hands over my growing belly and we would laugh as he felt the kicks of our baby.  The day would arrive when I would wake up in the night with the news that "it was time".  We would drive to the hospital where he would hold my hand as our perfect baby entered the world.  The next day we would take our baby home and two years later it would all happen again.
Well, my hopes were torn apart and life killed the dream that I had nurtured all those years.  But - what if - just maybe, I had been holding on to the wrong dream?  Not a bad dream, just not the right one for me.  It never occurred to me to dream about meeting an amazing birth mother who would entrust the baby that had grown inside of her, to me.  I never thought to dream about the kind of love that has nothing to do with the ties of blood, but comes from deep inside your heart that once felt empty but now overflows.  I never dreamed about the testimony of forever that would be written on my heart as I watched my tiny 2 pound 8 ounce son struggle for life for 2 months in an incubator before we could bring him home.  These were never the dreams that I had, but they became my reality, and once I grieved for my old dream and then let it go, I discovered a wonderful life with a bright future that was better than I could have come up with on my own.

Rain Will Make The Flowers Grow

So, last night after my kids were in bed, I was flipping through the channels, and stumbled upon a real treat!  The local PBS station was showing the 25th anniversary concert of the musical Les Miserables.  That is one of my all time favorites!  I read the book my senior year of high school and loved it!  I've been to see the play twice, and I've listened to the music over and over so many times that I can't even count them.  I sing the songs in the shower and imagine that I'm on stage in London belting them out to the crowd.  (:  Anyway, my husband is out of town on business this week, so I sat on the couch for three hours and watched and cried and cried and cried.  For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the story...well, it's too complicated to go into right now...but suffice it to say that in the most basic terms it is a story of love and hope and redemption.  It's amazing!  I could write a whole year's worth of blogs on it, but for now, I'll hold it to one.

There's a song that Eponine and Marius sing together, and it hit me so hard last night as I was thinking about all the trials we go through in this life.  Whether they are infertility, sickness, the death of a loved one, unfulfilled dreams, loneliness, the loss of a job, or even the day-to-day events in life that drag us down and try to make us less than we are meant to be.  But, because of Jesus Christ and the love that He has for each one of us (Yes, He really does love you, even if you are angry or feel betrayed at the turn your life has taken.  I guess you'll have to trust me on that one until you can find it out for yourself).  So, because of that love, no matter what we face in life, He can keep us close and show us the safety and peace that reside in the eye of the storm, and take the rain and use it to make our own personal flowers grow. 

There is more love and beauty and peace in my life now than I ever would have imagined.  Don't get me wrong, I still have hard times and bad days and difficult things to overcome, but when I finally turned my insecurities and heartaches over to the Savior, the flowers began to bloom.  I can feel peace.  I know that He is watching over me.  And He will make my life beautiful, in His own way and time.  It's like Eponine says, "You will keep me safe.  And you will keep me close.  And rain will make the flowers grow."  

Life Isn't Fair

Life isn't fair. I just wanted to get that out up front, because today I'm going to offer a bit of advice for those who are just getting started in the adoption process. I think it will really help you stay sane if you can just remember those three words. Life isn't fair.


So, after much prayer and soul-searching and many tears, you have made the decision to try and adopt a baby. Yay! You are in for one of the most wonderful experiences you can even imagine. Also for one of the most frustrating and trying times you will have. Chances are that when you first walked into your adoption agency of choice, you were presented with an overwhelming amount of information and forms, perhaps a list of classes to attend, and -of course- the fee scale. If you are anything like I was, it won't take long for the excitement of the moment to dim as the realization of the sheer volume of work you have in front of you begins to creep in. FBI background checks, matching sheets, home study questions, classes, interviews, home visits, birth mother letters, pictures, questions, questions, questions.... Don't freak out just yet...stay with me.


Here's my advice. Take it one step at a time; one day at a time. Get your FBI background check sent off right away. That way you won't be waiting on it at the end. If you are required to attend some adoption classes, find out when the next session starts and put it on your schedule, then stay in touch with your agency in case any changes creep up. Then, pop some popcorn, snap open a Diet Coke, and...begin. Here's where the "life isn't fair" clause comes in. Because at least once while you are trudging through everything you have to do, you're going to think, "This isn't fair! There are lots of people who are terrible moms and they just have babies left and right! They should have to fill out all these forms! They should have to pass a background check! They should have to have a home study! They should have to answer all these questions!" Well, you're probably right. They should have to do all of that, but the reality is that they don't. We do. It's not fair. It's just not. And that's life.

So, please try not to spend too much time and effort worrying about how unfair this all is. It is unfair. We all know that. But, to quote C.S. Lewis, "Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do." So, cry for a minute about the unfairness of this all, if you need to. Then decide that you are going to do whatever you need to, and answer all the questions that are presented to you, and fill out every single form that is put in front of you. Because in the end, your baby is worth everything you'll put into this, and more! Even if it's not fair.

Update

Oh, before I forget, I just got an update on my book from my editors at Cedar Fort. Delivering Hope will now be released in December 2011. Keep it in mind for Christmas gifts! (:

Serve!!

Thanks for the comment, Laine. I know what you mean about some of those bad habits lingering on...anger, in particular. I think we all know that that's a hard one to overcome, no matter what initially started it, and I don't think there's a quick fix. One of the things that has helped me - and you might get tired of hearing this from me because I'm sure it will come up again and again - is service. I know that sounds simple, but serving others really can make a difference.

A few years ago, I still had a lot of anger over a couple different things. I didn't realize how much I was letting that out on random strangers until one day I was getting my then-3-year-old daughter into the car to go to the bank. "Where we going, Mommy?" she asked. "To the bank," I replied as I buckled her car seat. "Oh," she said, nodding her head knowingly and looking up at me with her great big brown eyes. "You are going to yell at the lady?" GULP! Talk about an eye opener!!! I laugh about that now, but at the time, it really stung. I had to stop and admit to myself that I needed to change. When I went out and about, I started looking for chances to serve someone. I'd been taught that could help you feel better. I decided to test it out. I didn't do anything big or extravagant. A sincere smile, holding the door for a mom pushing a stroller, letting someone with just a few items go ahead of me in the check-out line, you get the idea. I figured something out. It really does help you feel better if you help someone else.

It's now been almost 6 years since the day my daughter changed my perspective with her innocent question. I'm still not perfect...far from it. But, I'm definitely getting better. Just a couple weeks ago, I had an experience that really tested me, and I'm glad to say, I managed to pass. It had been a long day. My husband had been out of town on business for several days, and I was ready for him to come home. I was tired and I wasn't feeling all that great. I had dropped my daughter off at gymnastics and my two boys off at wrestling practice and I decided to make a "quick" trip to Wal-mart for some groceries. Once I had filled my cart, I began searching for a check-out line with fewer than 3 carts in it. No luck. Finally, I became frustrated and wheeled into the nearest line. I was worried because I didn't think I was going to get through the line quickly enough to pick my five-year-old boys up on time. After several minutes of standing there simmering about how they never have enough check-out lines open, I finally noticed the woman standing in front of me. She had three small children with her. She held the baby - maybe 4 or 5 months old - in one arm because he was fussing. She was trying to keep her other two children near her while she juggled her purse and tried to unload her cart. She looked tired. None of them had their hair combed and all of them seemed in need of a good bath. The mom was missing a front tooth. She was nearly in tears. I'm sorry to say that my initial reaction was, "Man, I always pick the wrong line!!" But then something happened. Maybe my six years of practicing small acts of service paid off, because I opened my mouth and said, "Would you like me to hold your baby?" She stopped and stared at me as if I'd just stepped off a spaceship. "What?" "Would you like me to hold your baby?" "What...you...oh...REALLY?" "Sure," I replied. "My baby is five years old now, and I miss holding little ones." She passed me her infant and said, "Wow. Thanks." We visited as the cashier rang up her purchases. I told her she had cute kids. She brushed her daughter's hair out of her face and reached over and wiped off the baby's hands with her thumb. "Thanks. Oh, we're all such a mess," she said. "It's been one of those days." She shrugged apologetically. "We've all been there," I said. She smiled.

The whole encounter only lasted a few minutes, but as she walked out of the store, she was smiling. Funny thing....so was I. Instead of walking out of the store angry and fuming, I was happier than I had been all week. Service will do that. It brings us one step closer to our Savior, and one step away from our anger. If you don't believe me, give it a try. Oh yeah, and I still managed to get my boys picked up on time.

It's Okay To Feel Sad

There's something that's been on my mind today that I want to share with you: It's okay to feel sad sometimes. There. I got that off my chest. Silly? Maybe. Then again, maybe not. We grow up being told to be tough. There's always someone worse off than you. Snap out of it. Big girls don't cry... and all that. So, I'm going to say it one more time. It's okay to feel sad sometimes. Especially when you are dealing with something big like infertility. Now, I'm going to add one small caveat. I don't think it's okay to wallow (even though I've done that in my time too). Wallowing isn't productive, and you'll probably gain five pounds after you down that box of twinkies and package of oreos. Then, you'll just feel worse (trust me, I know). But some good, honest feelings of sadness are okay. What's more...they are a healthy and normal part of life.

Back when I had been trying to get pregnant - with no success - for about a year, I was sad about it. But I was married to a good man who treated me great, and we had a roof over our heads and food to eat. I told myself there was no reason to feel sad. Strangely, that didn't make the sadness go away. So, I got angry at myself. Angry for feeling sad about not getting pregnant. But, that didn't make the sadness go away either, and now I was sad and angry too. I let this go on for quite some time before I figured out that I was making myself more miserable than ever by trying to convince myself that I wasn't sad, when I was.

Now, I'm not a therapist (but my sister is, and I'll check with her if it will make you feel better) but I think that in order to begin our journey through sadness to the peace on the other side, we first have to acknowledge that we are sad, and that it is okay to feel that way for a time. So, if you're like I used to be and keep trying to talk yourself out of being sad because you can't have a baby. STOP! Allow yourself to feel sad. I know that might be a scary thought, because that would mean facing the silent fears you keep tucked away so well. But, consider the thought that maybe you don't have to continue carrying those fears around all by yourself anymore.

When you feel like you are ready - the sooner the better - get with someone you love and trust like your husband or sister or mom, and tell them how you feel. Just get it off your chest. Cry. Yell if you need to. Even punch a pillow if you want - that always made me feel better. Just get those feelings out in the open. If you're worried they will tell you to "just get over it", have them read this blog post first, so they know what to expect.

If you just don't think you're ready to release your feelings to someone...write them out. Get a notebook and a pen and let your thoughts run out onto the page. Don't censor or edit them as you go, just let them all come out. If you have never confided your feelings to anyone, I think you will find a great release as you let them go. This is a great first step on our way to filling in that hole I've mentioned before.

Now, once you've done this, take a deep breath, grab a tissue, blow your nose, wipe your eyes, and try to find a smile. Tell yourself that you are sad right now, and that's okay, but now that you have admitted it, you are ready to start working through it. Don't wallow, but if you feel the need, I don't think that ONE twinkie ever really hurt anyone.

There Is No More Hole

As I mentioned, I want this blog to be an informal discussion of adoption tips, how to deal with infertility, and all the little things that make me feel hopeful each day. I will draw from many of my own experiences and, with permission, the experiences of some of my friends and family members. If you ever have anything you would like to add or share, please make a comment. I'd love to hear about these things from your perspective. We are all at different points in our journey, and it helps us all to know that we are not alone. For now, I think I'll just start from the beginning.

For those of you who are dealing with infertility, I'd first like to send my empathy. I know how very difficult this can be to talk about and work through. But, it is my firm belief that each one of us CAN work through it. I once heard an old lady on a video say that infertility was like 'her old friend'. She had lived a full life and adopted some children who she loved with all her heart, but still felt times of sadness for the unfulfilled desire to bear children. I'll be honest with you. That bothered me. Let me just state up front that I am a Christian. I believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer. That He suffered - not only for our sins - but also for our frustrations, our sadness, our fears, and the hurt and sorrow that comes as we make our way through life. With this belief firmly imbedded in my heart, it bothered me to think that the sadness that I felt at not being able to have the experiences of a full and healthy pregnancy would always linger. Was I really destined to have ever-recurring moments of sadness and regret? If that was true, if the Savior couldn't heal me...fully and completely...then what was His Atonement all about?

But, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Maybe some of you are where I started, and you're angry. Perhaps even angry at God for "denying" you what you want most. If you're there, then you probably don't want to hear about the goodness and love of our Savior. So, let me just say that it hasn't been easy, and it hasn't been painless, and it hasn't happened quickly, but as sure as I am sitting at my computer typing these words, my soul HAS been healed. Completely, one hundred percent, healed. I feel genuine excitement for my loved ones who get pregnant. I no longer cast angry glances at random pregnant women in the supermarket (on the contrary, I usually smile at them), or come home and cry myself to sleep when I think of the giant, gaping hole in my life. Because (and this is the miracle) THERE IS NO MORE HOLE! Christ filled it in and made me a better person than I ever was before. And please believe me when I say that He can do the same for you. Let's take that journey together.

Now, for those of you who have arrived at the decision to pursue adoption...I am so happy for you! The experiences I have had with adoption are some of my choicest, most happy, most loving memories. If you are there, my first piece of advice is to PRAY. Pray for help to get through the mountains of paperwork (okay, in this day and age most of it is done online, but when I did it, it was literally mountains of paperwork. Just ask my husband, he had to move around them all as they were stacked on the dining room table and kitchen counter for weeks on end). Pray for your birth mom. Just because you don't know who she is yet, doesn't mean you can't pray for her. And pray for the guidance of the Holy Ghost to help you as you start your profile. I know that is a little vague, and I promise to give some concrete ideas and tips as we move forward, but trust me - prayer is always the best place to start.

Friends

So, my hopeful thought for today is....friends. Like with the blogging world, I finally bit the bullet and joined Facebook. I've had my own reasons for holding out until now, but I'm glad I didn't wait any longer. I have had so much fun already getting caught up with some old friends, and it made me realize that the many people I care about, remember and care about me too. So, thanks to everyone who accepted my offer of cyber-friendship, and for those who reached out to me. You all made me smile today.

I'm here

So, I'm finally here. Where is 'here' exactly? That's the question I am always asking. First and foremost, I'm actually here writing a blog...something that I've been putting off for some reason, but that I'm actually kind of looking forward to doing. My family also feels settled here in Boise after our move from Utah this last summer. We have a great time visiting the zoo and my boys have recently uncovered a love for the Discovery Center. I'm also here as a mom. After making my way through years of fertility treatments and two wonderful adoptions, I'm blessed and content with my three beautiful children. Okay, some days they try my patience, but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Most recently, I'm here as an author. Yes, I really am! I just had my first novel accepted for publication by Cedar Fort, Inc. and I'm very excited to be embarking on a new journey as a writer. My book (I love saying that!) will be released in January of 2012. It is called Delivering Hope and I can't wait to share more about it with you. It's a work of fiction about infertility, un-wed pregnancy, and adoption that I wrote based on many of my own emotions throughout the years. If you know anyone who has dealt with any of these issues, you'll love it! If you aren't personally acquainted with these circumstances...you'll still love the story of finding hope and peace through our trials!

I try to notice something hopeful each day. It makes me happy. It really does. When my book comes out, I believe you will find something hopeful in it. Until then, check back often for hopeful adoption tips, ways to find peace with infertility, and everyday things that make me smile. I know I'll enjoy it. I hope you do too.